Handsome is a babe. I just adore him.

Last night I was up excruciating late making treats for his work. I was uber frustrated because the last dessert I was working on turned out to be an epic fail. (if you know me well you know that ruining food is just the absolute worst in my book)

It was quarter after two this morning before I finally crawled into bed. I laid down exhausted, just to find that my pillows were horribly uncomfortable. Annoyed, I turned on my cell phone light in the dark, lifted my pillow and what do you think was there? A new laptop!

Yay for an early Christmas and for having a man who knows how to make the season bright! :) Thank you Matthew!

Blogging is a little therapeutic. I write my blog in a word doc before posting, sometimes, when I really have things on my mind I'll spend hours on a thought, sometimes over a couple of days I'll work out my thoughts on virtual paper. Some times I'll move them over to a post, usually not. So my actual posts end up being fairly boring. But sometimes its just enough to post an unfinished though out to this little itty bitty corner of the web. Just so its gotten out of my mind.

As a follow up to my ramblings. I am SO happy. My life is SO blessed and I am truly so so grateful for all of the amazing opportunities that I have had and do have in my life. I am VERY grateful for my job. I have worked long and hard to get it and the benefits and the lessons learned from being where I am are priceless to me. It has been and still is a huge blessing.

I just am not sure what to do next. Some days more than others. I sincerely envy those who know exactly what their "plan" is and exactly what direction it is in which they are moving and when they will march with the right foot and when with the left. I'm not exactly one of those people. But I sure do like the journey of it all. I know where I'm headed in the end. Its just figuring out the between here and there. :) So yes, occasionally you will find me sitting at a booth much like this one. Don't worry. No doubt I will be enjoying myself. Wave as you go and I'll see you along up the road a ways.

While I was running a couple days ago, I got to thinking about momentum and the difference between being lazy and being tired.

This has really been on my mind a lot lately. A little self examination if you will.

After running on the treadmill for a few minutes my legs felt like they were tired. They told me that I should stop running. It had been too long since I had worked out last and a couple of minutes were all they could take. Yes, I thought, that is true, it has been a long time since I have hit the treadmill, but I have loads of energy right now and I am not tired. Only you are. (Referring to my legs)

Actually, I thought - you are not tired. You are merely being lazy.

This got me to thinking about how to make them stop being lazy.

I started to play around with how I was running and I noticed two things.

(Stay with me, I promise I'm not crazy.  - well.. I promise that I don't think I'm crazy. This will all come together in the end. I think...)

Like I said, I started to pay around with how I was running and I noticed two things.

The first was that when I slowed down the pace I was running at, my legs started to feel heavier and wanted to slow down even more, it got to a point where I was slowing down exponentially. If I let them have their way, I would be stopped in no time and would go flying off the treadmill.

The second was that when I gradually started to push myself to run faster, my legs built momentum and the felt lighter.

As a result, I kept running faster. As I dipped into my energy reserves and I was able to go much faster and further with every stride.

So this told me that if I built on what I was doing rather than relaxing, I get more momentum and I go exponentially further, so…

To answer my own question: “How do I stop my legs from being lazy?”

Well, I moved faster.

But what if my legs really were tired.. and not just lazy. What if it were my insides. My feelings, my spirit (maybe?) that was telling me to slow down and stop running. What do you when its your insides that are whining and pleading with you to stop all the commotion and just sit. down.

How do you know the difference between when your insides are truly tired and when you are just lazy. Whats the difference? How do you know when you should stop running or when you should just run faster?

I'm not really sure.

As you may have guessed my insides are either 1. tired or 2. lazy. and I'm not sure which one.

It has been very rare that when I have felt unsatisfied with my life that "getting busy" has not solved the problem.

But right now I am in that point of uncertainty as to what is really the reason for my fatigue.

Its like... when you've just gotten home from a long day at work, and have a busy night ahead of you. You have just enough time for one of two things. Go to the gym or take a nap. And you are standing your room half dressed trying to decide if you are taking off your clothes so that you can put gym clothes on or if you are actually preparing for a serious napping. (If you can't tell, I find myself in this exact situation all the time. Husband is no longer surprised to find me standing in our room half undressed for no apparent reason.) Both seem like they could be really good for you and may help you get through the evening. You are uncertain which is the real right choice. If you choose to nap is it because you are actually tired or because you are too lazy to go to the gym? How do you know the difference?

Anyway, to get right down to it, I don't want to work full time anymore. I just don't want to do it. And I'm not sure if I just don't want to because I'm lazy or if its because I'm tired. And if it really is because I'm tired... is that good enough reason?

I want to be home when husband gets up for work. I want to make him breakfast. I want to have time to keep our house clean and I want to find a hobbies that I love. I want to get more classes done - but don't want to be in classes until 9:30 at night meaning I don't get home until 10. I want to learn to be a good homemaker BEFORE we have children. I'm tired of having to choose between going to the gym and taking a nap. Cleaning my house or spending a few minutes with my husband. I want both. I want time to teach myself to a better cook and home decorator. I want to start a project and finish it with a decent amount of time (meaning within two months)

I am tired of being at work. I'm tired of rushing to be there at 8. I'm tired of being there until well well well past dark and past the time that its even reasonable to think about starting to make a real dinner. I'm tired of not being a good neighbor (sorry Shirley, Bergen and Katie..). I'm tired of being patient with people who think their problems are all my fault. I'm tired of being interrupted in the beginning, semi middle, middle and end of projects so that I have to stay after 5 to finally get something done. I'm weary of standing in my closet every morning wracking my brain for some way to be both professional, attractive and comfortable all in the same outfit. I'm tire of sitting in my office, not taking lunch breaks and eating crappy unhealthy food.

I want to be home. I want to nest. (No, not rest, nest. Yes, I want to nest. But resting would be nice too.) No I am not pregnant but someday I will be and right now I feel totally and completely unprepared. Mind, body, spirit, home, skills. Everything. Everything feels unprepared and tired. I'm tired of it. Everything feels tired.

Or does it?

Does it all feel tired or does is really feel lazy?

Should I run faster or is the answer really to slow down? Who knows. I sure don't.

Now and then I see a picture that just really makes me happy. For example: